McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
