2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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