i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize