You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
