Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
