she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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