and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Randomize
