Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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