I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
