so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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