I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He kissed a someone with a penis
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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