If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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