Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
