I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
