Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize