Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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