if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
