so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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