my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
FUCK WHALES
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
