I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
