or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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