My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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