Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
