i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
