I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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