Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
