Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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