I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
