Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
