Porn is love you can see.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
