she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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