So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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