My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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