I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he thought i was a dude.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
