i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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