he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
