so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
