I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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