Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Randomize
