you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
