Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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