Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize