Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
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