there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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