Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
