if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
