Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
