I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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