Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
