Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
