you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
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