Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
