saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
