I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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