Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize