I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
